Whether you’re first or last, you will be in the seat that is assigned to you. So why is it that everyone has to get up and start huddling towards the gate entrance like its the day after Thanksgiving? This is specifically towards the “senior citizens”. They are usually cane-walking their way to form a line at the gate 15 minutes before the airline even announces they are ready to board. And if I make even the slightest movement in their direction I get a death stare through tinted glasses telling me to back off or die. All I can think about is how easy it would be to give one swift kick to the knee and the old man would collapse. I would never actually do this, but I’m just pointing out the fact that the possibility is there.
So now I’m waiting to board behind a giant huddle of old people and I begin to do a scan of the passengers I will be riding with. I first look for potential disaster passengers such as crying babies or sick people. Then it goes to uncomfortable passengers such as someone with obvious bad hygiene. And lastly is the most important scan: are there any hot chicks? Not that it actually matters because the chances of her sitting by me are slim, but there’s nothing else to do while waiting so I might as well make it interesting.
First the lady with the crying baby walks by. Thankfully she isn’t sitting by me but if she was, I don’t think it would be a problem for long. I don’t know this from experience, but I heard if you shake a baby long enough it stops crying. Don’t know if its true but it seems logical. Next the sick patient walks by. Once again I am grateful this passenger moves along. In these situations your best bet is to mention something about how you worship Satan or let something about a herpes outbreak slip under your breath. They’re essentially guaranteed to not interact with you the entire flight. And then the hot chick starts approaching. Its almost like she is holding up a sign that I can’t quite read until she gets to my row and the words “DENIED” are written on it. I mean come on, is it that much to ask to sit next to someone appealing for once? Maybe its a hot chick. Maybe she has a low cut shirt on. Maybe she laughs at my jokes. I don’t ask for much. But no, the hot chick moves on and who should sit down next to me but a “senior citizen”. I should have gone for the knee, after all...
At this point you are probably wondering why I don’t just read a book or listen to my iPod on the plane. Believe me, I do listen to my iPod, or read a book, or even watch a movie. I’m just saying if I’m going to be stuck in the same seat for 3 hours sitting next to someone else who is stuck in their seat for 3 hours, why not make the trip go by a little faster by having a decent conversation. And by “decent” I don’t mean listening to someone else’s problems or learning about their life story.
Just something simple and interesting like sports or a good movie. Who knows, maybe no one wants to talk about sports or good movies or maybe I’m just the asshole that no one wants to talk to on the plane. But if that’s the case then they can piss off.
The plane takes off, I read my book and eventually the stress relieving voice of the pilot comes on and announces we are beginning our descent. This is great news in knowing that the ride is almost over, but also bad news because I know what is about to come next. Sure enough the plane lands and who would have thought the day after Thanksgiving rush could come twice in the same day. Seriously, sit the fuck down. We are all going to get off the plane and I’m guessing it will happen even quicker if we don’t herd ourselves into the aisle. I mean obviously we all need to rush off and get to baggage claim so we can wait there for 15 minutes instead of in the plane. But in a situation like this, who has the time to be rational?
In the end I’m still going to have to fly more no matter what. I guess the best I can do is be prepared with fresh reading material and the latest podcasts. And maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of this than it really is. But I’m not going to admit that because that would mean that I am wrong. And I am never wrong.
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