Man Who Pull Out Too Fast, Leave Rubber ...

Dear Abby:
 I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.  I
think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember
from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD.  What should I do?

Confused

Dear Confused:
 If she coughs, fuck her.

A Thousand Times Good Night!!!

Nurse:[Within] Madam!
Juliet:I come, anon.—But if thou meanest not well,
I do beseech thee—
Nurse: Madam!
Juliet: By and by, I come—
To cease thy strife, and leave me to my grief.
To-morrow will I send.
Romeo: So thrive my soul—
Juliet: A thousand times good night! [Exit above]
Romeo: A thousand times the worse, to want thy light.
Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books,
But love from love, toward school with heavy looks.

Romeo And Juliet Act 2, scene 2, 149–157

Bad Memories ...

When I Grow Up, I Wanna Make A Pill That Can Help Me Forget Any & All Bad Memories. Kinda Like The 'Morning After Pill'

Boxing Day: Humans Are The Only Creatures That Appreciate Irony. Surely Thoust Jiveth !!!

The day-after-Christmas holiday is celebrated by most countries in the Commonwealth, but in a 'what-were-we-doing-again' bout of amnesia, none of them are really sure what they're celebrating, when it started or why.

The best clue to Boxing Day's origins can be found in the song "Good King Wenceslas." According to the Christmas carol, Wenceslas, who was Duke of Bohemia in the early 10th century, was surveying his land on St. Stephen's Day — Dec. 26 — when he saw a poor man gathering wood in the middle of a snowstorm. Moved, the King gathered up surplus food and wine and carried them through the blizzard to the peasant's door. The alms-giving tradition has always been closely associated with the Christmas season — hence the canned-food drives and Salvation Army Santas that pepper our neighborhoods during the winter — but King Wenceslas' good deed came the day after Christmas, when the English poor received most of their charity.

King Wenceslas didn't start Boxing Day, but the Church of England might have. During Advent, Anglican parishes displayed a box into which churchgoers put their monetary donations. On the day after Christmas, the boxes were broken open and their contents distributed among the poor, thus giving rise to the term Boxing Day ...
(Maybe)

But wait: there's another possible story about the holiday's origin. The day after Christmas was also the traditional day on which the aristocracy distributed presents (boxes) to servants and employees — a sort of institutionalized Christmas-bonus party. The servants returned home, opened their boxes and had a second Christmas on what became known as Boxing Day.

From this also came the term Christmas Box: the container where people placed gifts whether it was for the needy or from employer to employee ...


So which version is correct? Well, both. Or neither. No one, it seems, is really sure. Both the church boxes and the servant presents definitely existed, although historians disagree on which practice inspired the holiday.

Boxing Day's origins aren't especially important to modern-day folk. Few people can afford to have servants anymore and the religious significance has been lost by many.
Today's Boxing Day festivities have very little to do with charity. Instead, they revolve around shopping, food, football (soccer), visits from friends, food and drinking at pubs and/or the nearest watering hole.

Unnecessary Lines: Under Certain Circumstances, Profanity Provides A Relief Denied Even To Prayer.

Whether you’re first or last, you will be in the seat that is assigned to you. So why is it that everyone has to get up and start huddling towards the gate entrance like its the day after Thanksgiving? This is specifically towards the “senior citizens”. They are usually cane-walking their way to form a line at the gate 15 minutes before the airline even announces they are ready to board. And if I make even the slightest movement in their direction I get a death stare through tinted glasses telling me to back off or die. All I can think about is how easy it would be to give one swift kick to the knee and the old man would collapse. I would never actually do this, but I’m just pointing out the fact that the possibility is there.

So now I’m waiting to board behind a giant huddle of old people and I begin to do a scan of the passengers I will be riding with. I first look for potential disaster passengers such as crying babies or sick people. Then it goes to uncomfortable passengers such as someone with obvious bad hygiene. And lastly is the most important scan: are there any hot chicks? Not that it actually matters because the chances of her sitting by me are slim, but there’s nothing else to do while waiting so I might as well make it interesting.

First the lady with the crying baby walks by. Thankfully she isn’t sitting by me but if she was, I don’t think it would be a problem for long. I don’t know this from experience, but I heard if you shake a baby long enough it stops crying. Don’t know if its true but it seems logical. Next the sick patient walks by. Once again I am grateful this passenger moves along. In these situations your best bet is to mention something about how you worship Satan or let something about a herpes outbreak slip under your breath. They’re essentially guaranteed to not interact with you the entire flight. And then the hot chick starts approaching. Its almost like she is holding up a sign that I can’t quite read until she gets to my row and the words “DENIED” are written on it. I mean come on, is it that much to ask to sit next to someone appealing for once? Maybe its a hot chick. Maybe she has a low cut shirt on. Maybe she laughs at my jokes. I don’t ask for much. But no, the hot chick moves on and who should sit down next to me but a “senior citizen”. I should have gone for the knee, after all...

At this point you are probably wondering why I don’t just read a book or listen to my iPod on the plane. Believe me, I do listen to my iPod, or read a book, or even watch a movie. I’m just saying if I’m going to be stuck in the same seat for 3 hours sitting next to someone else who is stuck in their seat for 3 hours, why not make the trip go by a little faster by having a decent conversation. And by “decent” I don’t mean listening to someone else’s problems or learning about their life story.
Just something simple and interesting like sports or a good movie. Who knows, maybe no one wants to talk about sports or good movies or maybe I’m just the asshole that no one wants to talk to on the plane. But if that’s the case then they can piss off.

The plane takes off, I read my book and eventually the stress relieving voice of the pilot comes on and announces we are beginning our descent. This is great news in knowing that the ride is almost over, but also bad news because I know what is about to come next. Sure enough the plane lands and who would have thought the day after Thanksgiving rush could come twice in the same day. Seriously, sit the fuck down. We are all going to get off the plane and I’m guessing it will happen even quicker if we don’t herd ourselves into the aisle. I mean obviously we all need to rush off and get to baggage claim so we can wait there for 15 minutes instead of in the plane. But in a situation like this, who has the time to be rational?

In the end I’m still going to have to fly more no matter what. I guess the best I can do is be prepared with fresh reading material and the latest podcasts. And maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of this than it really is. But I’m not going to admit that because that would mean that I am wrong. And I am never wrong.

“I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…”

After dropping five passes in Sunday’s 19-16 loss to the Steelers, Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed an odd culprit for his struggles. Johnson tweeted after the game:

“I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…”

Johnson did manage to record seven catches but dropped a 40-yard pass in the end zone in overtime that would have given the Bills their third consecutive win.

The third-year receiver leads the Bills with 59 receptions, 796 receiving yards and nine touchdowns. Last week, Johnson had a career-high three touchdowns against the Bengals and celebrated by showing off his undershirt that quoted The Joker, reading “Why so serious?”